I was talking with a friend recently who started inquiring about my work. I could tell by the series of questions she presented that she was quite unfamiliar with BDSM, the adult industry and particularly women’s roles in both. Because of this, I was impressed that she approached me with these questions. It’s not easy to inquire about something so foreign. especially when it exists on the fringes of a culture where such natural expressions are taboo, and the majority of us are limited to exchanging faceless pictures and meeting at secret parties or seedy businesses. So many people choose silence. And I love to talk.
Simply put: A Prodomme is a sex worker, but a sex worker isn’t necessarily a Prodomme. My explanation to her was an elevator speech paired with a couple of definitions at best. I really didn’t have the time or space to go into everything involved. What BDSM is. What sex work is. Why is it important to know the difference between different types of work in the adult industry. Why the sex and adult industries are so important, especially to women. Without knowledge of these subjects, it is a challenge to address many questions. So I’m going to write a bit about what I told her, and I’m going elaborate.
Definitions
Sex Work: According to some sources, a sex worker is someone who is employed by the sex industry. By this definition, this includes anyone from prostitutes, to dancers, to writers/novelists, videographers, photographers, accountants, lawyers, landlords, ext. You can see how this list can go on and on, given its immense size. It also brings into the picture exactly what percentage of our population, how many people and families the industry supports, benefit from and rely on adult commerce. The anecdotal word is that women and femme identified make up the vast majority of the workforce in the sex
By another definition, sex work is “the exchange of sexual services” for money, and the definition of ‘sexual services’ means to directly sell physical contact meant to sexually gratify their clientele. Obviously, by this definition, there are much fewer sex workers in the world. Still the oldest occupation. Still necessary in breaking patterns of poverty and oppression. It is consensual, otherwise it is called something else. Still, I’ve heard another that defines sex work as the exchange of ‘sexual energy’ for money.
A Prodomme dominates people in exchange for money. This role is oriented around the way we (both dom and sub) experience, remember and process things such as pain, power and powerlessness, control and loss of control as well as how we understand different roles throughout time and culture, which are heavily saturated with these concepts. We all experience these things. These experiences can also be laden with sexuality, which makes perfect sense, if you consider the creative and primal characteristics of sexuality itself. Therefor a prodomme may also very easily be a sex worker, depending on her personal experience of the relationship between sex and power, and her personal and professional preferences.
This Prodomme
By some definitions, I’m a sex worker. By others I am not. In a political context, I am a sex worker and proud of it. Personally and professionally, I identify as a Mistress/Prodomme. My experience is focused on power exchange, pain, altered states, role play and on enjoying myself. BDSM is a psychological, spiritual and sexual path for me. My work is about BDSM, whether it involves sexual energy or not. The focus is BDSM and frequently, sexuality is a tool or a byproduct.
I don’t want to disregard the role of sexuality in my work or in my life. Leading up to my entrance into the adult industry, I experienced a tremendous amount of personal freedom found in unabashedly expressing my sexual and BDSM impulses, whether it be with trusted partners alone or at parties or clubs. The freedom I’ve found in being a slut and enjoying extreme sex was, and still is essential to my happiness and balance in life. Having a professional container, in which I am the one in control, keeps me in a greater position to keep my freedom of expression. In other words: I love being a Prodomme.
I do feel immediately compelled to speak to the role of sex workers, including Prodommes, in our community, as well as speak to the difference between sex workers and sex trafficking victims. Many of the laws that claim to help sex trafficking victims, actually do little to meet this goal and do a lot to oppress the people in my industry. A woman who wants to have sex in exchange for money is in just as much a position of personal power as I am, and deserves to have that choice. Whether our government recognizes it or not, she has the right to her profession, she has the right to her boundaries, and she has the right to enjoy herself.
Health and Equity
As stated earlier, the majority of sex workers are women and trans gendered folks. The overwhelming majority of sex work clientele are men. This is a natural phenomenon, and it has been this way since the dawn of time. The fact that women control sex in this way means that women can, and do, have much more power than men in many ways. Perhaps that’s why, historically, we have been subjugated. The fact that women are the ones who control, and are the primary beneficiaries of the adult industry makes it very important, particularly to those who value sex and gender equality. Money moves unilaterally from men to women in this context.
The subjugation I’d mentioned earlier is related to female disempowerment and more specifically, sex trafficking. Perhaps it is or is not common sense that mystification disenables action. To have a clear understanding of victim advocacy, there needs to be open dialogue regarding what that means.
- What is the difference between a sex trafficking victim and a sex worker? Consent.
- What is the difference between abuse and BDSM? Consent.
Go to any much or leather conference or workshop and you will hear someone geeking out on the nuances of consent. So much more than is usually necessary.
In the BDSM community we practice speaking boldly and clearly about what we want, what we don’t want and even about the things we are unsure of. It helps us rest in trust that what we are doing with our partners is not only okay, but welcome. When you practice honest, open and straight forward communication, you become free in so many more ways than just sexually.
But seriously, isn’t having great sex enough reason?
Related websites:
Sex trafficking & Sex work research
Comments and experience welcome.
Beautifully said and very illuminating. Your definitions and categorizations are helping me define my own place within the BDSM community. Thank you.
You’re welcome, creature.