Getting inquiries from couples is one of the many joys of being a professional Dominatrix and Mistress.

I was recently contacted by a very conscientious couple. He was a lifetime submissive needing to engage with his desires. She was a sensitive and scrupulous woman who didn’t seem to understand the ‘why’ behind her husband’s submissive orientation. It was clear that they loved each other. They had already begun their journey in exploring alternative ways of approaching things like sex, power and control, pain, and the benefits of loosing oneself in intimacy with another. It seemed they were just looking for someone with more knowledge and experience to give them some direction and encouragement.

Aside from the foundational elements of BDSM–which distinguish it from abusive behavior; Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC); and Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) here are a few things that I have found that have worked for me in dominating others:

Rule #1. Trust them to use their safe word and always honor it. “I’m afraid I’m going to hurt him.” Good. In BDSM, we don’t really want to hurt each other. In fact, what we are working toward is frequently the opposite.

I’ve found while playing with others it’s been very helpful to relax into the notion that my feelings are not the feelings of the people I’m playing with. Whereas I may not enjoy being caned or whipped, some others do. And I like helping people. 😉 That’s why I start slow (unless I know this person has more advanced experience), watch them closely for feedback and trust them to use their safe word. Once the safe word is used, it’s over and time to check in.

Rule #2. Trust that it’s a role play. If you did genuinely want to hurt this person, then you are just an asshole and kink is not for you. Since that isn’t the case, again, relax. There are many benefits to slipping on your villainous attire, conjuring up your schadenfreude and saying things you would normally never consider uttering. I think we all have at least a touch of ‘evil’ that wants to surface and what better way to express it than through a consensual, controlled, artistic drama.

Alternatively, there are many people who simply want those horrible “things that dare not be uttered” to be uttered loudly and forcefully right at them. It feels good. They know it’s not real and remember their safe word should things get too intense.

Rule #3. Give yourself a lot of options. So they’re all tied up. Now what? Since you read this before you dominated your man, you knew to get three lists from him. List #1 is full of experiences that he would love to have. List #2 are things that he would be open to trying. And list #3 is his “hard limits” list; things he won’t do under any circumstances. If this request elicits only a blank stare and a shrug (it happens), try this website: rekink.com/guides/kinks/. By gathering this information, you give yourself an almost endless supply of activities to engage in. You may love them, you may hate them. Hopefully, you’ll have fun figuring it out.

If you and your partner would like a more personalized coaching session, feel free to contact me.

And also please feel free to add your experience below.

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