I return home with a purpose. I had asked my Mistress to be allowed to wear a bra for three days. She granted that and added that I may also suck on one of my cocks and fuck myself without cumming.

I had been visiting family so I was not wearing my slave attire. I put on my collar. Next were the ladies panties. It feels like I’ve been wearing them forever but it’s only been several months. This pair is a pale blue with white lace. And a bow up front.

The panties are also a requirement from my Mistress. As her slave, I became more and more aware that, in some very unpleasant ways, I had been a typical male most of my life. I had the male entitlement viewpoint. I also had the belief that my cock was important and its needs should be satisfied. I’ve been struggling with both of those for some time. Several months ago, the shame of my past behavior and realization that I still had residual “maleness” in me, led me to ask for Mistress’s help. She immediately decreed that I would always wear ladies panties.

The panties are very feminine but I don’t think of them as especially pretty or sexy. Most have lace and a bow up front. I tend to believe that the bow is a secret sign that tells people, “in these panties is a tiny cock locked in a cage. Unable to get an erection. Gratefully, unable to bother women.” The purpose is to drain my maleness away. It isn’t replaced with anything. I hope to be left with a lack of maleness.

I only wear a bra for special situations and, of course, with my Mistress’s approval. I’m putting it on today because I feel “maleness” building up in my system. Mistress has granted me permission to wear bras for three days. I’ve learned that bras can turbo-charge maleness removal. Perversely, I’m also feeling horny which usually presents itself as slutty. I put on my black bralette which is one of my more sexy bras. It’s been a long time since I’ve worn this one so I’m surprised when it squishes my chest into two pert breasts. Immediately, I’m emotionally uncomfortable. Having tiny, cute breasts emphasizes that I’m not a real male. Yet, I’m clearly not female either. I could never be as strong and powerful as a woman. My tiny breasts and my tiny cock conspire to show myself – and anyone who sees – that I’m not a real man and that I can never be one.

There are two cocks in my drawer although I frequently overlook the small one. Today is no different when I grab the big one and eagerly stuff it in my mouth. It wasn’t that long ago, maybe a year, when the thought of sucking cock disgusted me. Now, it seems like the most natural thing to do.

When my allotted sucking time is up, I drop my panties, squirt some lube on the dildo, and stuff it up my ass. I’m sure I squeaked in happiness when it went in. It feels incredible going in and out of my ass. In my mind, it changes from a dildo in my hand, to a real man’s cock, to a strap-on driven by a powerful woman, and back again. Given the choice, I will always prefer being of service to a woman. To worship her pussy and give her my body to do as she pleases. But now, I just want to be on the receiving end of someone else’s happiness. I want to be useful. I want to be a fuck toy.

Mistress didn’t give me permission to cum. She didn’t share her reason but I suspect this is a lesson that she is teaching me: my orgasm is not a required outcome of being fucked. I know this to be true. But I’m having trouble living it. It’s a large part of my maleness problem that I need to eliminate.

As the dildo slides in and out of me, I focus on enjoying the feeling. The joy of being used, of having my needs come very last. I hope I am learning. I can feel the urge to cum grow. I have a quick image of a bizarre world where the dildo climaxes and the disembodied voice of my Mistress says, “NOW you can cum.” The dildo slides out. I sit with the urge to cum and the ramification of it. I know that the phrases, “I need to cum” and “I want to cum” no longer apply to me. I’m grateful my Mistress has – by not giving me permission – denied my selfishness.

I pull up my panties and push down any lingering expectation. It’s okay to not cum regardless of what my balls are telling me. I’m not entitled to cum. It’s not required. Not cumming won’t hurt me. My top – and only – priority is pleasing whatever or whoever is using my ass. Oh, and being a better slave.

–Mistress Goddess’s puppy